i need to abort this food baby.

I HATE it when people comment about how tiny I am. It's literally my biggest annoyance. When I complain about my weight and how much I eat, I mean it. I'm not someone who is looking for attention and complains about my weight. I don't WANT attention. I WANT to be skinny and happy. I WANT to be sick again. And I plan to carry that out. I've never been happier with my body then when my stomach caved in when I laid down and my ribs poked out of my sides and my hip bones were protruding out. Never. I hate my body now. I look fucking pregnant. And I will be skinny again if It fucking kills me. When I look in the mirror, THAT is what I see. I don't care if i'm "healthy". I don't want to be. I want to be skinny. I want to feel comfortable in my XS and not be sucking in my tummy so i don't have a bulging gut. fuck.

my favorite type of day is that approximate half an hour of dusk; directly after the sun has began to set, but before the streetlights and neon lights appear. you can see the pink and orange outline of the clouds left in the sky and the deep blue above slowly washing over the sky, taking over. when the breeze rolls in, gives you sudden goosebumps but doesn't bother you enough to rummage for a jacket. this is the time that i can reflect, that i can feel.

i want to feel complete. i want to make the right choices, and know they are right. this ability, i can't seem to obtain. i make choices, but i'm always left with the hollow afterthoughts that make me second guess.

there are pieces missing. pieces of myself, that i have both willingly and unwillingly sacrificed to others in my life. they remain missing, despite my best efforts to remain whole. when you give a piece of yourself without recieving a piece of another in return, you'll always be a little jagged, like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing here and there.

many pieces of myself have been corrupted, by others, by myself, by my thoughts and feelings. i am corrupted, but i am still intact. there are pieces i show off freely, there are pieces i have kept hidden and there are pieces i still have not discovered. i want to find someone that can fill in the missing pieces, who can accept the broken and corrupted pieces and who will protect the intact ones and leave them uncorrupted.

i miss you. i miss your nonchalant self hatred and your stinging remarks. i miss the way our bodies used to meld together when we would seperate from the crouds. i miss the way you made me feel when i had my arms wrapped around you. i wish i could believe your lies and fall into your utterly fucked up world, but i'm no longer niaeve and selfless. i miss the memories i made with you, the times where the adrenaline mixed with fear but your lips solved it all. i miss the minutes we spent alone, when you were all mine before we had company and pretended nothing had gone on. i miss thinking i had a future with you.

it makes me sad that i'm leaving. and not that i'm leaving my friends behind. what makes me sad is the lack of friends i have to leave.

so i'll move on with the nostalgia in my gut and new ideas in my brain, but my heart shall remin unclaimed.

Purpose.

I've come across a newfound purpose.
Maybe it was caused from graduating; maybe getting a job; maybe getting ready to move out;
But whichever it is, I now have a stride in my step accompanied by thoughts of finally knowing myself, and trusting myself.
I recently told a friend that no one could ever make me happy besides myself, so I don't rely on others to make me happy. Maybe that's when everything in my brain clicked into place...who knows.
All I know is, I'm ready. For anything. Bring it on.

You won't matter

They say you can count on your friends for anything-
Well what happens when they dissapear?
Friends always get shoved aside for relationships. ALWAYS. That "bro's before hoe's" code means nothing to anyone anymore.
And if you're the one single friend in your group, well god bless you. Because we all know you're the third, or fifth, ninth wheel. Sucks, doesn't it?
Even if you're the one who has helped your friends through practically everything, it doesn't matter. Of course not. 'cause you're not the one that gives them orgasms.
You had plans? Yeah, forget them. Thier significant other is more important. You haven't seen one of your best friends in weeks? Oh that's normal, they're in love.
So while everyone else is in thier own little bubblegum and cotton candy world of love,
You're alone watching reruns of the simpsons. Every day. Every night.
You might find time to desperatley run through your contacts list and text practically everyone you know.
"Hey, what are you doing tonight? Wanna hang?"
"Sorry. Can't. I have a date."
"No can do. It's our nine months today."
"Maybe after I hang out with _______? Oh, wait, I can't. Sorry."
"Can't, _______ is coming over."
You get the picture. Although, sometimes you CAN find a friend who isn't like this. It's rare. But possible. And they are good people.
But then you have the friends with other important friends, or jobs, teams....you know.
So you're still sitting here typing away despertaly trying to find someone to cling to so you're not sitting alone tonight, feeling like shit.
Good luck with that.
I'd stay to chat, but my boyfriend's calling me.

happified.

happy and Terrified.

Right now, feeling one without the other is impossible. Feeling happy for the first time in months is amazing; but once that happiness threatens to leave, terror is the only thing left. I'm terrified because I'm happy.
I was happy, I should say, I was happy last night, especially the night before, and two nights before that. I never thought I would meet someone that made me want to stay here. I did. I still have to leave. Terrified. Because he is starting to bring out feelings in me that I haven't felt in a long time. Terrified.
Sick. That all of this might end. Even though it has barely started. Lost. It's amazing how one person can seem so insignificant but rule your world once you let them in it. Maybe i'll just have to pretend none of this is true. Pretend like I don't know the truth. Pretend that I'm happy.
But I won't have to pretend that I'm terrified.

future?

and as i sit here i can't but help to wonder what will become of me. days and nights have passed and my insides haven't budged, i've gained a freckle or two
but am i vastly changing like i indulge myself to believe?
i think that every day is a battle, i have to conquer myself just to breathe.
in three months i'll be gone from here, but how will i know that the old me won't stalk my future and ruin it too, like it ruined me?
there's a hole.
i don't know how to fill it up but i've been trying at least. school is over, that's a milestone. how come i don't feel like i've accomplished anything? maybe i haven't. all i've accomplished is losing friends. oh well, what can i say.
the future. bright? maybe.

'tis brief, as woman's love.

i used to see a broken girl, in dire need of fixing when i looked into your eyes;
i wanted to be the one for you, to make you realize...
that i could mend your shattered heart, that i had the key,
i thought i was the one for you, but i guess you disagree.
i'm glad to see you're happy now, i'm so glad to see you care
just remember baby, next time you come running, you won't find me anywhere.
that girl you've longed for has wronged you time and time again
she'll never be as right for you, she'll never be a true friend.
that girl my dear, is just like you, she cheats and lies and hurts
you two are meant to be together, you're both a couple of flirts.
i was the one there for you, when others would attack
but it must not have made a difference, for you to go and stab me in the back.
i took a chance on you, i believed you would catch me when i'd fall-
but it was a mistake on my part, i was just a recall.
i got stuck in your little game, that web that you were spinning
i got trapped in all your lies, but that was just the beginning.
your lips could write a novel, your hands could hold the pen,
but no matter what you'd say, i'd never come back again.
so i hope you enjoyed your time with me, but i won't thank you for the ride
because as far as i'm concered, our relationship has died.